"A metaphor is like a simile...." - Quote by Steven Wright

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”

“Does fuzzy logic tickle?”

“Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

“If more than 10% of the people like a painting, you can be sure it's bad.”

“If a spectacle is going to be particularly imposing I prefer to see it through somebody else's eyes, because that man will always exaggerate. Then I can exaggerate his exaggeration, and my account of the thing will be the most impressive.”