"I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.”

“I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."”

“If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?”

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

“When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.”

“A wealthy man is one who earns $100 a year more than his wife's sister's husband.”

“I buy expensive suits - they just look cheap on me.”

“I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.”