"I exercise strong self control. I never..." - Quote by W C Fields

“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”

“California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.”

“I never drink water... fish f**k in it.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”

“Americans are getting like a Ford car, they all have the same exact parts, the same upholstering and make exactly the same noises.”

“Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”

“So lets knock a couple back and make some noise”

“I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”