"It is well to remember that there..." - Quote by W C Fields

“I like children - fried.”

“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”

“Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.”

“I try to keep it positive and play it cool, shoot up the playground and tell the kids to stay in school.”

“Historian: an unsuccessful novelist.”

“I will not be taking a paternity test, ever!”

“I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”

“Those of us that had been up all night were in no mood for coffee and donuts, we wanted strong drink. We were, after all, the cream of the national sporting press.”

“The man that isn't jolly after drinking is just a drivelling idiot, to my thinking.”