"I went for a walk last night..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

“Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.”

“I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

“O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.”

“The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.”

“If you're asking whether I intentionally mess up my hair, no, I don't. And certain things, like my freckles, they're just there. I don't do anything consciously. I suppose I could get contact lenses. I suppose I could comb my hair more often.”