“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“Our expenses are all for conformity.”

“But it is a cold, lifeless business when you go to the shops to buy something, which does not represent your life and talent, but a goldsmith's.”

“American invents everything, but the trouble is we get tired of it the minute the new is wore off.”

“Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

“You know, you keep on innovating, you keep on making better stuff. And if you always want the latest and greatest, then you have to buy a new iPod at least once a year.”

“An answer in words is delusive; it is really no answer to the questions you ask.”

“Yeah? For what paper?”

“What makes a good man?”