"Ever notice how irons have a setting..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”

“Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”

“I will always remember my delight when Mrs. Georgia Gilmore - an unlettered woman of unusual intelligence - told how an operator demanded that she get off the bus after paying her fare and board it again by the back door, and then drove away before she could get there. She turned to Judge Carter and said: "When they count the money, they do not know Negro money from white money.”

“Then at night the general stillness is more impressive than any sound, but occasionally you hear the note of an owl farther or nearer in the woods, and if near a lake, the semihuman cry of the loons at their unearthly revels.”

“Motivation is in the world around us. We have an infinite amount of material at our disposal, in the lives of those we meet, in what we see and feel, in what we discuss and from the passion of every woman.”

“Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.”

“Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.”

“Jesse Helms wants me to move to the right, Lowell Weiker wants me to move to the left, and Teddy Kennedy wants me to move back to California.”