"I used to work in a fire..." - Quote by Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
More by Steven Wright
“Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?”
“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”
“I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”
More on Irony
“Now I am not unpatriotic, and I want to do my bit, so I hereby offer my services to my President, my country and my friends to do anything, outside of serving on a commission, that I can in this great movement. But you will have to give me some idea of where "confidence" is. And just who you want it restored to.”
“Is it possible to get another key? I think I've left mine in the room.”
“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National”
More on Humor
“Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.”
“What is it that strikes a spark of humor from a man? It is the effort to throw off, to fight back the burden of grief that is laid on each one of us. In youth we don't feel it, but as we grow to manhood we find the burden on our shoulders. Humor? It is nature's effort to harmonize conditions. The further the pendulum swings out over woe the further it is bound to swing back over mirth.”
“Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.”