“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“Democracy and dependence on the military and police are incompatible.”

“Faster than spring-time showers comes thought on thought.”

“Love's heralds should be thoughts,Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beamsDriving back shadows over low'ring hills.Therefore do nimble-pinioned doves draw Love,And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings.”

“Power and speed be hands and feet.”

“Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.”

“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”