"Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

“Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”

“Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.”

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”

“I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.”

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".”

“Though laughter is allowable, a horse-laugh is abominable.”

“You must prepare yourselves, young people, because Uncle Dave's generation is getting old. We are almost ready to go to the retirement home to spend the rest of our days tapping our bedpans rhythmically in time to "easy listening" rock 'n' roll. We must pass the torch on to you, and you must grasp it, ideally by the end that is not on fire.”

“I'd like to think that I don't have a stock character that I go to. I'm lucky in that when you get to initiate your own scene, you get to play whoever you want. That's really kind of cool, but all my characters are short. I look on the videotape, and I thought they were taller, but they're all 5'2".”