"I seldom took a drink on the..." - Quote by W C Fields

“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”

“Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.”

“Five is the very awkwardest of all posible numbers to sit down to table.”

“And what about the cash, my existence's jewel?”

“Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?”

“It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason”

“And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.”

“I must have a drink of breakfast.”