"I was watching the Superbowl with my..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!”

“When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.”

“A family of ten children will be always called a fine family, where there are heads and arms and legs enough for the number.”

“I have never admitted that I am more than twenty-nine, or thirty at the most. Twenty-nine when there are pink shades, thirty when there are not.”

“Computers operate on simple principles that can be easily understood by anybody with some common sense, a little imagination, and an IQ of 750.”

“A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.”

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

“The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.”