Tim Vine Quotes

“I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”

“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.”

“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”

“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”

“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”

“I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.”

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

“My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.”

“One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”