Tim Vine Quotes

“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”

“My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.”

“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”

“I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”

“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”

“I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.”

“With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”

“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”

“I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.”

“People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.”

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”

“You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”

“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”

“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.”