#Humor Quotes

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes”

“Petruchio: Come, come, you wasp; i' faith, you are too angry. Katherine: If I be waspish, best beware my sting. Petruchio: My remedy is then, to pluck it out. Katherine: Ay, if the fool could find where it lies. Petruchio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail. Katherine: In his tongue. Petruchio: Whose tongue? Katherine: Yours, if you talk of tails: and so farewell. Petruchio: What, with my tongue in your tail? Nay, come again, Good Kate; I am a gentleman.”

“Say she rail; why, I'll tell her plain She sings as sweetly as a nightingale. Say that she frown; I'll say she looks as clear As morning roses newly wash'd with dew. Say she be mute and will not speak a word; Then I'll commend her volubility, and say she uttereth piercing eloquence.”

“I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.”

“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”

“A jest's prosperity lies in the ear”

“I cannot tell what the dickens his name is.”

“thy wit is a very bitter sweeting; it is a most sharp sauce.”

“The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and in all this time there was not any man died in his own person,videlicet, in a love-cause.”

“Polonius: Do you know me, my lord? Hamlet: Excellent well. You are a fishmonger.”

“Fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings, the husband's the bigger.”

“Ha. "Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner." There's a double meaning in that. -Benedick (Much Ado)”

“Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner. BENEDICK Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains. BEATRICE I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me: if it had been painful, I would not have come. BENEDICK You take pleasure then in the message? BEATRICE Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point ... You have no stomach, signior: fare you well. Exit BENEDICK Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner;' there's a double meaning in that... (Much Ado About Nothing)”

“In jest, there is truth.”

“'Twas merry when You wagered on your angling, when your diver Did hang a salt fish on his hook, which he With fervency drew up.”

“Let us kill all lawyers”

“I can see he's not in your good books,' said the messenger. 'No, and if he were I would burn my library.”

“Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek.”

“Exit, pursued by a bear.”

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

“I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.”

“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!”

“I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.”

“And I will make it felony to drink small beer.”

“How now, wit! Whither wander you?”

“Don Pedro - (...)'In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.' Benedick - The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear it, pluck off the bull's horns and set them in my forehead, and let me be vildly painted; and in such great letters as they writes, 'Here is good horse for hire', let them signify under my sign, 'Here you may see Benedick the married man.”

“Wit makes its own welcome, and levels all distinctions.”

“The good rain, like a bad preacher, does not know when to leave off.”

“I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.”

“All of Creation’s a farce. Man was born as a joke. In his head his reason is buffeted Like wind-blown smoke. Life is a game. Everyone ridicules everyone else. But he who has the last laugh Laughs longest.”

“Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal.”

“How every fool can play upon the word!”

“I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and aeroplanes a fair chance of getting away.”

“Nobody wants to intervene in Russian affairs. Russia is a very large country, a very old country, a very disagreeable country inhabited by immense numbers of ignorant people largely possessed of lethal weapons and in a state of extreme disorder. Also Russia is a long way off.”

“I hate nobody except Hitler--and that is professional.”

“Democracy means that when there's a knock in the door at 3 am, it's probably the milkman.”

“The head cannot take in more than the seat can endure.”

“Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone.”

“I'd rather argue against a hundred idiots, than have one agree with me.”

“I have had a number of threatening letters each week, some telling me the actual time and method of my death, and I don't like it.”

“The English never draw a line without blurring it.”

“I am very glad there are quite a number of people born with a gift and a liking for all of this; like great chessplayers who play sixteen games at once blindfold and die quite soon of epilepsy. Serve them right! I hope the Mathematicians, however, are well rewarded. I promise never to blackleg their profession nor take the bread out of their mouths.”

“We are all worms. However, I like to think I'm a glow worm”

“Whenever I feel the need to take some exercise I lie down until the feeling goes away.”

“The game of life does not proceed like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes they make five, or minus four, and sometimes the blackboard topples over in the middle of the sum and the pedagogue is left with a black eye.”

“We need to be strong in order to avoid war; and to win. A politician looks forward only to the next election. A statesman looks forward to the next generation. Any person who is over 30 and is not a conservative, has no brains.”

“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”