Erma Bombeck Quotes

“Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.”

“Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.”

“I think it's time we women stopped carrying supplies for the entire family. If children don't have room to carry their own toys, if men don't have pockets in their pants, tougho.”

“When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.”

“You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.”

“Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.”

“She's as funny as a toothache”

“Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.”

“I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.”

“Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.”

“One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.”

“Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.”

“Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.”

“It is fast approaching the point where I don't want tAdenauer to want the job.”

“In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.”

“Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.”

“How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?”

“One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.”

“There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.”

“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

“There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.”

“not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.”

“What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.”

“No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.”

“Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”