George Carlin Quotes

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

“I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'”

“I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.”

“We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.”

“If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? Why is 'phonics' not spelled the way it sounds? How come abbreviated is such a long word?”

“Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.”

“hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.”

“I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so - a number of then willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren't their own and pretend to be people other than themselves - and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I'm not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy.”

“When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.”

“The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.”

“Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?”

“They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head with their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hard-working people: white collar, blue collar, it doesn't matter what color shirt you have on.”

“Life is a series of dogs.”

“I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.”

“Where do we get our values from?”

“Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.”

“We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”

“Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!”

“I was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.”

“Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.”

“'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?”

“In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.”

“The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.”

“I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.”

“Life is tough, then you die.”