"I never even thought of myself as..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.”

“I was not a natural beauty, and I always wanted to be pretty. I just have such an outgoing personality that it's fitting that I would be overdone.”

“There is a kind of elevation which does not depend on fortune; it is a certain air which distinguishes us, and seems to destine us for great things; it is a price which we imperceptibly set upon ourselves.”

“There's nothing I really wanted to do in life that I wasn't able to get good at. That's my skill. I'm not really specifically talented at anything except for the ability to learn. That's what I do. That's what I'm here for.”

“The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.”

“The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.”

“I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.”