“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“I think a curse should rest on me - because I love this war. I know it's smashing and shattering the lives of thousands every moment - and yet - I can't help it - I enjoy every second of it.”

“But who in war will not have his laugh amid the skulls?”

“A person seldom falls sick but the bystanders are animated with a faint hope that he will die.”

“When Caesar says, 'Do this', it is performed.”

“Thou hast seen a farmer's dog bark at a beggar? And the creature run from the cur. There thou mightst behold the great image of authority-a dog's obeyed in office.”

“Shall remain! Hear you this Triton of the minnows? Mark you His absolute 'shall'?”

“Syntax must be bad, having sin and tax in it.”

“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”