“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

“When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.”

“Lord, I could not endure a husband with a beard on his face! I had rather lie in the woolen.”

“There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.”

“I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster”

“QUINCE Francis Flute, the bellows-mender. FLUTE Here, Peter Quince. QUINCE Flute, you must take Thisby on you. FLUTE What is Thisby? a wandering knight? QUINCE It is the lady that Pyramus must love. FLUTE Nay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming.”

“A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.”

“The essence of all jokes, of all comedy, seems to be an honest or well intended halfness; a non performance of that which is pretended to be performed, at the same time that one is giving loud pledges of performance. The balking of the intellect, is comedy and it announces itself in the pleasant spasms we call laughter.”

“A Loud Laugh Bespeaks a Vacant Mind!”

“With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.”

“A human being should beware how he laughs, for then he shows all his faults.”

“Pardon, gentles all, the flat unraised spirits that have dared on this unworthy scaffold to bring forth so great an object.”

“Praise us as we are tasted, allow us as we prove.”

“A great while ago the world begun,With hey, ho, the wind and the rain;But that's all one, our play is done,And we'll strive to please you every day.”

“The great will not condescend to take anything seriously.”

“Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone.”

“It is my belief, you cannot deal with the most serious things in the world unless you understand the most amusing.”