“I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.”
“There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
“This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”
“I never drink water... fish f**k in it.”
“Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.”
“Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.”
“It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.”
“In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.”
“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.”
“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”
“During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”
“All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia”
“If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.”
“The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .”
“I'm searching for loopholes.”
“I've been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.”
“No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.”
“Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.”
“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
“I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.”
“Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.”
“I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.”
“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”
