“All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.”
“Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.”
“Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.”
“Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!”
“I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.”
“Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.”
“All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.”
“I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.”
“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”
“Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.”
“The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.”
“If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.”
“So long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing, I will make mine whiskey.”
“Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.”
“Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.”
“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
“Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!”
“My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”
“When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.”
“I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.”
“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”
“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night”
“I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.”
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
“I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives...But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax.”
