George Carlin Quotes

“Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

“Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!”

“I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.”

“I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.”

“By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.”

“What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.”

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

“Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“Everything beeps now.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“Mother's milk leads to everything.”

“First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood - the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.”

“Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out.”

“I love individuals. I think people are terrific as I meet and get to know them. I like imagination. I like the freedom that this society manages to parcel out to us in the midst of the rest of what they do to you. I also like thinking about the fact that the atoms in me are the same atoms that are in all the rest of the universe, and that every one of those atoms came from the middle of a star. In other words, it's only me out there.”

“There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

“I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.”

“An outsider longing to be on the inside is the same as the soloist longing to work in an ensemble. I get great satisfaction in being a part of the proper - for me - community. I'm uncomfortable with various social groupings and clusterings. But when I'm in the right group, doing the right thing, I get as much satisfaction out of that as anyone who does it all the time.”

“Your home is your refuge.”

“When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.”

“Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.”

“If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.”

“"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."”