#Self Deprecating Humor Quotes

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.”

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”

“Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.”

“Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

“I went to Oxford University - but I've never let that hold me back.”

“Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"”

“I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.”

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.”

“I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.”

“Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.”

“The only thing we have to fear is a giant wheelchair-crushing squid. Well... uh... actually, I guess that's the only thing I have to fear.”