George Carlin Quotes

“Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.”

“The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.”

“If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?”

“It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.”

“The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.”

“The fact that I didn't finish school left me with a lifelong need to prove that I'm smart, prove it to myself, maybe to the world. I [also] needed to be - not the center of attention - but I needed to be able to attract attention when I wanted it, through my stunts and my fooling around physically with faces or postures or voices I would do. Those things are important elements in the drive behind all of this [my career].”

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.”

“Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”

“In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."”

“They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.”

“The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.”

“I simply decided that dope wasn't worth the ritual.”

“Life is not that complicated.”

“Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?”

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.”

“Pardon me I've got nothing to say.”

“I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.”

“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”

“If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.”

“I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.”

“Most people are not particularly good at anything.”

“Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?”

“I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject.”