Groucho Marx Quotes

“I hate London when it's not raining.”

“Money cannot buy you happiness, and happiness cannot buy you money. That might be a wise crack, but I doubt it.”

“Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.”

“I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement.”

“Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much”

“I think that the Peeps or Peppies or Pipes diaries would be much more popular had there been a universal pronuncation of his name.”

“I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.”

“Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.”

“Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?”

“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.”

“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.”

“I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down”

“Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”

“If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.”

“I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books”

“The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.”

“I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream.”

“Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.”

“Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.”

“A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho MarxA man's only as old as the woman he feels.”

“Any place I hang my head is home.”