Groucho Marx Quotes

“The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.”

“Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.”

“Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.”

“How would you like to feel the way she looks?”

“No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.”

“You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.”

“Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.”

“I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy”

“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”

“Patience is the art of finding something else to do.”

“Only if the computers really love each other.”

“There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

“This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach.”

“There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!”

“Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.”

“I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!”

“Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket”

“Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy”

“Blood's not thicker than money.”

“I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.”

“Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.”

“Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!”

“Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.”

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.”