Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“Every picture of you is when you were younger.”

“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”

“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.”

“I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

“Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"”

“I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.”

“Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

“When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

“No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

“I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.”

“P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.”

“I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”

“I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.”

“I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.”

“I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.”

“I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.”

“My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”

“Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"”

“I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”

“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

“Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.”

“I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”