Columnist Quotes

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

Most recently I read Michael Lewis "Boomerang." The other guy I love is Bill Bryson.

This thing about getting rid of a man in the Cabinet is all right, but there is one bad feature to it that few people realize. That is, that unfortunately every one of them is replaced by someone else. If it wasn't for that, this resignation business would be great.

We have the best Congress that money can buy.

Democrats always were a cheap lot. They never had much money to operate on.... They would rather make a speech than a dollar. They cultivate their voice instead of their finances.

Here lies Walter Winchell in the dirt he loved so well.

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

We must not indulge in unfavorable views of mankind, since by doing it we make bad men believe they are no worse than others, and we teach the good that they are good in vain.

The good people of Dakota offered to give Calvin Coolidge a farm if he would live on it. I wouldn't advise you to give those people too much credit for generosity. There is not a farmer in any State in the West that wouldn't be glad to give him a farm if he will paint it, fix up the fences and keep up the series of mortgages that are on it. And if you think Coolidge ain't smart, you just watch him not take it.

Through my grandmother's stories always life moved, moved heroically toward an end. Nobody ever cried in my grandmother's stories. They worked, or schemed, or fought. But no crying. When my grandmother died, I didn't cry, either. Something about my grandmother's stories (without her ever having said so) taught me the uselessness of crying about anything."

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

The Democrats and the Republicans are equally corrupt where money is concerned. It's only in the amount where the Republicans excel.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to lose some of its Humor, and if it keeps on happening, why the entire laughter kinder Fades out of it.

Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

You have a wonderful organization. I understand you have ten thousand here. And if you count the ones in the various federal prisons, it brings your total membership up to around thirty thousand.

There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.

The rain plays a little sleep song on our roof at night And I love the rain.

Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.

One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

I did all this stuff that was illegal when I was a kid. I drank beer when I was 15. I smoked cigarettes when I was 13. I drove to New York City when I was 14 - don't tell my son. Those things were against the law, but I did them anyway. I didn't become a heroin addict, although I probably could have gotten heroin somehow. I don't think my son would buy heroin at any price. He knows what it is, and he knows how stupid it is.

Politicians are dumb, but they can count to 50% plus one.

Everything worthwhile is a good idea, but did you ever notice there is more bad ideas that will work than there is good ones?

This would be a great world to dance in if we didn’t have to pay the fiddler.

I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web use

Most musicians remain poor. But the music that they make, even if it does not bring them millions, gives millions of people happiness.

Ammunition beats persuasion when you are looking for freedom.

If you tell most people what libertarians think, they immediately assume that you cannot mean it all the way, that you're really just taking a position for argument's sake.

Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.

Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.

I have always felt cookbooks were fiction and the most beautiful words in the English language were 'room service.

It costs ten times more to govern us than it used to, and we are not governed one-tenth as good.

I bought Windows 2.0, Windows 3.0, Windows 3.1415926, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows RSVP, The Best of Windows, Windows Strikes Back, Windows Does Dallas, and Windows Let's All Buy Bill Gates a House the Size of Vermont.

Life dosent frighten me at all.

The Schools ain't what they used to be and never was.

I always wanted to write when I was a kid; it just never occurred to me that you could have a job that didn't involve any actual work.... I felt it would be fun to have a job like that where you could make stuff up and be irresponsible and get paid for it.

If I had my life to live over again, I would have waxed less and listened more. ... I would have cried and laughed less while watching television ... and more while watching real life. ... But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute of it ... look at it and really see it ... try it on ... live it ... exhaust it ... and never give the minute back until there was nothing left of it.

You know you've got to exercise your brain just like your muscles.

Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.

I don't want to dis anybody, but someone like Robert Parker. I first read a Spenser book maybe 20 years ago and then read every one that came out. I did that with Tony Hillerman too.

You know how on the evening news they always tell you that the stock market is up in active trading, or off in moderate trading, or trading in mixed activity, or whatever. Well, who gives a

When everybody has got money they cut taxes, and when they're broke they raise them. That's statesmanship of the highest order.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

People in the computer industry use the term 'user,' which to them means 'idiot.'

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

The president says, 'There is lots of people worse off than the Farmers.' I don't know who it could be unless it is the fellow who holds the Mortgages on the Farms.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.