“It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.”
“It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.”
“I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.”
“Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!”
“I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”
“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.”
“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.”
“A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.”
“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”
“I like children - fried.”
