Visual Artist Quotes

“How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.”

“The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.”

“In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”

“If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.”

“Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.”

“I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.”

“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

“I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.”

“It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.”

“I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.”

“The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”

“I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.”

“A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”

“Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.”

“All mothers are working mothers.”

“A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.”

“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”

“Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!”