“When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.”
“Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.”
“Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!”
“By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”
“I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”
“The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”
“Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.”
“When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”
“They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!”
“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”
“A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.”
“I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.”
“Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.”
“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
“I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.”
“My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle”
“My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
“Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.”
“You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”
“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
“I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”
“Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.”
