Groucho Marx Quotes

“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”

“With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now”

“Whatever it is, I'm against it.”

“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.”

“Home is where you hang your head.”

“Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.”

“Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!”

“Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?”

“What have future generations ever done for us?”

“A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it”

“Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.”

“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

“Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.”

“I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.”

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.”

“She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.”

“I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.”

“Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.”

“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”

“Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns”

“He thinks I look alike!”

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.”