I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
I can do anything I want to do!
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I drink with impunity...or anyone else who invites me.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
