I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
I never met a kid I liked.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
When you wake up in the morning, smile - and get it over with.
I'm searching for loopholes.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature...no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
I drink therefore I am.
It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.
I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Happiness means quiet nerves.
I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
I never drink water... fish f**k in it.
I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me.
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
