Rita Rudner Quotes

“Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"”

“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.”

“My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”

“I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.”

“I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.”

“I wanted to say things that were natural coming from me.”

“I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.”

“I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.”

“Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.”

“Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.”

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”

“When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.”

“Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.”

“I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”

“I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.”

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

“Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".”

“It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.”

“Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.”

“I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.”

“Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.”

“I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.”

“If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.”