Rita Rudner Quotes

“I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.”

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”

“I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.”

“Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

“I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.”

“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

“If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.”

“If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.”

“I just don't get cats. To me, they're a waste of fur.”

“No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.”

“All men would still really like to own a train set.”

“Cats are a waste of fur.”

“At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.”

“Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.”

“Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.”

“Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.”

“Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.”

“My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.”

“Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.”

“Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?”

“The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.”

“I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.”