Rita Rudner Quotes

“Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.”

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”

“I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life.”

“I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.”

“I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.”

“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.”

“On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'”

“Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

“Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.”

“My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.”

“Never take candy from strangers.”

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

“Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.”

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

“Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.”

“Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.”

“Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.”

“I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.”

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

“All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.”

“I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.”

“Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.”