Groucho Marx Quotes

“If he's been married for 31 years, he's not the same man.”

“I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip”

“Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?”

“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.”

“The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.”

“This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.”

“You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you”

“Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.”

“Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!”

“I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.”

“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”

“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”

“There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.”

“Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?”

“Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.”

“In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.”

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana”

“Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.”

“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”

“I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)”