“I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.”
“People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.”
“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”
“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”
“I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.”
“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”
“You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.”
“People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.”
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”
“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”
“When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.”
“I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.”
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.”
“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”
“Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.”
“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”
“I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.”
“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
“My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.”
“One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”
“My father was a small claims court jester.”
“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”
