Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

“When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"”

“I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.”

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”

“I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.”

“Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.”

“Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.”

“Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

“With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.”

“What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.”

“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”

“My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.”

“Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.”

“What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.”

“What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.”

“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

“She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.”

“Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

“She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”

“My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit”

“I was a poster child... for birth control!”