Satire Quotes

“Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?”

“The world is open for play, that everything and everybody is mockable, in a wonderful way.”

“My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.”

“I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.”

“People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.”

“Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!”

“To make fun of an administration, to make fun of anything, Mark Twain said, is the last defense of democracy.”

“Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”

“Ronald Reagan is the world's largest Muppet.”

“Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.”

“If you want to die, don't make a mistake and not quite kill yourself because the medical bills in America are hideous.”

“Really, if the lower orders don't set a good example, what on earth is the use of them?”

“I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."”

“There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”

“Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.”

“I loved my mother very much, but she was not a good cook. Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. In our house Thanksgiving was a time for sorrow.”

“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”

“When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

“Men don't mature. Marry a younger one.”

“Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.”

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.”

“Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”