Steven Wright Quotes

“My father was a small claims court jester.”

“The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.”

“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”

“I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

“Do fish get cramps after eating?”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

“I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."”

“I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?”

“A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

“Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”

“If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?”