Wordplay Quotes

ASAP. Whatever that means. It must mean, 'Act swiftly awesome pacyderm!

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I took a baby shower.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I'm gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there'll be no cover charge.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?