#Doctors Quotes

“But when ill indeed, Even dismissing the doctor don't always succeed.”

“A physician is an unfortunate gentleman who is every day required to perform a miracle; namely to reconcile health with intemperance.”

“I know of nothing more laughable than a doctor who does not die of old age.”

“A physician is one who pours drugs of which he knows little into a body of which he knows less.”

“Doctors put drugs of which they know little into bodies of which they know less for diseases of which they know nothing at all.”

“My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'”

“I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."”

“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”

“What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.”

“I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.”

“My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.”

“No families take so little medicine as those of doctors, except those of apothecaries.”

“He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.”

“Skin diseases are something doctors like, the patient neither dies nor gets well.”

“Taking all the round of professions and occupations, you will find that every man is the worse for being poor; and the doctor is a specially dangerous man when poor.”

“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”

“Make it compulsory for a doctor using a brass plate to have inscribed on it, in addition to the letters indicating his qualifications, the words 'Remember that I too am mortal'.”

“It is nearly 50 years since I was assured by a conclave of doctors that if I did not eat meat I should die of starvation.”

“Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.”

“Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Never accept a drink from a urologist.”

“Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.”

“You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.”

“The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"”

“It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.”

“Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?”

“Medicines cure diseases, but only doctors can cure patients.”