#Pun Quotes

“So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."”

“I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.”

“My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.”

“The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.”

“So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'”

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.”

“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”

“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."”

“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

“Velcro: what a rip-off.”

“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”

“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”

“I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”

“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

“I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”

“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”

“I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.”

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

“Black beauty - he's a dark horse.”

“I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'”

“So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'”

“Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.”

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

“My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.”

“One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.”

“He who kisses girl on hillside is not level”

“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser.”

“Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”