Mitch Hedberg Quotes

“I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"”

“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”

“The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”

“An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"”

“Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.”

“I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shi*, I had to be somewhere..."”

“I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

“I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.”

“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.”

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“The customer’s always right.”

“XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"”

“We don't have to fix anything.”

“I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.”

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

“If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

“I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”