“I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.”
“For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.”
“As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.”
“I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.”
“So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."”
“One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.”
“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”
“So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'”
“Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.”
“Velcro: what a rip-off.”
“If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.”
“If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.”
“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.”
“I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.”
“My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.”
“I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.”
“I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.”
“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”
“I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
“I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
“I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.”
“With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke”
“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”
“So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'”
