“I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.”
“Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.”
“We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .”
“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
“I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.”
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
“I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."”
“When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.”
“Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.”
“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”
“Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?”
“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.”
“When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.”
“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”
“My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.”
“I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”
“I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”
“I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!”
“I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”
“Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.”
“It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.”
“Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.”
“Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.”
