Rita Rudner Quotes

“Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."”

“I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.”

“Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.”

“My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take”

“I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.”

“When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.”

“I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

“Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.”

“My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.”

“I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.”

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”

“I'm going to start water skiing someday...as soon as I can separate it from being dragged by a boat.”

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”

“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

“You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.”

“Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?”

“I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.”

“I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!”

“Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

“I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'”

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”